I am a catfish.
There I finally said it. The self loathing and anxiety. The guilt and shame. These people do not deserve any of what I have done. And I know I can be a much better person than the scumbag I have been.
I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and have been too scared to actually address the issue but tomorrow when I see them, I am going to.
I read some posts on here from other former catfish and it has given me hope. I want to share how I fell into this. I am still too scared to use my real reddit account.
It started during the start of the pandemic. Before this it never crossed my mind because well its an awful thing to do to another human being. To give minimal background on myself. I’m an adult woman. I suffered abuse in many different forms throughout my life. I’m also disabled and unable to work. Despite all this I found a wonderful partner. A supportive, kind, smart understanding person that doesn’t deserve to have someone like me in their life.
I feel like I fell into it. I had not been feeling depressed. No more than usual. I had suffered with severe anxiety and depression in the past but at the point in early 2020, I seemed to be functional. I wasn’t pretending to be a completely different version of me. Everything I said/showed was true except my relationship status.
Does it make it better or worse? Of course not. Because this online affair have gone on under false pretenses. Friendships have ended, relationships are on the rocks and my mental health is in shambles. I find myself physically ill constantly at the thought of the pain I am causing.
Tomorrow I’m opening up to my therapist. So many times I’ve come close but it needs to happen. I fear the judgement. I fear facing myself and the hurt I have caused but I must. I know I will lose so much more but these people deserve better. They deserve closure and healing and healthy lives.
If you have any questions go ahead. I’m trying to hold myself fully accountable from now on. Any advice is welcome. I was also wondering if…there is a support group, similar to AA where I can go to further get help. This needs to stop.
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Published at Tue, 20 Jul 2021 00:34:16 GMT