I have thought of sharing this with somebody for a long time now. I have seen alot of people wondering why people catfish, I thought maybe saying my experience would give some kind of insight that might help someone.
I will start by saying that I know what I’m doing is wrong, I am completely against getting/giving nudes. I don’t want people showing parts of themselves when I’m basically lying of who I am.
So first of all, I am a 15 year old guy. Everything started when I was around 14 years old, I overall hate my life. I can’t say there is one thing that makes me feel that way. My life is pretty normal and tame, no major traumas, I have family that loves and cares for me. But I have little to no friends. I am shy, normal, awkward, and have a hard time opening up to people.
In the beginning I just wanted some friends. Some people to talk to. But I realized pretty quickly… I wanted a different life. I didn’t just want a different face and name, I didn’t want to be myself. So I made up this guy. For the sake of this I’ll call him Tom, Different country, different schooling, different family, different everything going on around him. Obviously I had the same interests, same morals, same opinions, but everything else was a different person. I even kept track of the time in the country to be on the same timezone when I messaged them. I had all the social media, discord, instagram, snapchat, twitter, and much more, I just wanted to be Tom. I even found alot of pictures of a “cute guy” on google, I edited all of the pictures to prevent people from reverse image searching them. I made new accounts on Yubo and Hoop (Apps to find new friends)
I used my fake name and fake pictures, I started to get alot of swipes/requests daily, I never got these many swipes/requests when I used my real name/pictures.
I started making alot of friends, meeting alot of people I clicked with pretty quick. I ended up dating a few people as well. Never at the same time. I never had any malicious intent, things were friendly then turned flirty and I had legitimate feelings for them. Which at first, I don’t think I felt guilty about. I felt like if we’re both happier on a day-by-day basis, it’s fine. I didn’t look at the future. When the future came up I was always, “yeah I’d love that one day” because I did. even though I knew it was impossible.
And I’m legitimately happy for the first time in my life. I felt like I wasn’t my boring normal self, I had this friend group that loved and cared for me, a girlfriend that I could talk to about anything, everything just seemed better.
I’m starting to realize what I’m actually doing. For the longest time I focused on how I felt, how I was now feeling fulfilled and happy, and they seem happy for me to be in their lives as well. But I started to realize this is selfish. Because whether they were happy talking to me, at the end of the day Tom doesn’t exist. I wasn’t Tom, but Tom was me. Over the year he became me in a sense. Parts of me is changing to be more like him, to be this person I’m pretending to be. I’m not even sure if it was consciously or not.
I’ve been dating this one girl for awhile now. All the relationships before hadn’t last that long. But this one.. she was really important to me. I loved her, and now beyond my own self confidence issues, I wanted to be Tom for her. I wanted to be the man she loved, be the man she wanted me to be. 4 months passed before I even realized it, She started talking about wanting to meet up/facetiming, I just came up with alot of excuses to not meetup or facetime with her.
I wasn’t getting much sleep. I had changed my style to be similiar to Tom’s. Changed how I talked, walked, interacted with people, I stopped eating as much as I did before.
I was meant to just try this out for like a week or two, but since I got so many friends and people that actually cared about me, I just couldn’t stop because I’ve never really had any close friends or been in a relationship, in fact I’ve never even hugged a girl in real life.
I just feel like I don’t want to be in this world anymore.. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I’ve basically already planned that I’m not going to be here anymore in this world by the age of 17, because I just have nothing to live for at this point.I haven’t really told anyone about this, but I just wanted to share this with somebody because I really don’t know what to do anymore.
I haven’t really told anyone about this, I’m expecting most people to not read this whole thing, or to just get alot of angry comments for what I’m doing, and I understand why, but I just don’t know what to do at this point.
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Published at Tue, 08 Jun 2021 00:50:28 GMT